I find it really difficult to write my story. To this day I still haven’t spoken about it out loud. This is only the second time that it will be written anywhere.
I first started going out with my ex-boyfriend when I was 20. We were together for just over two years. At 20, I was naive, I was a romantic at heart, and he was my first serious ‘adult’ relationship. We had an unconventional beginning, which probably added to the romanticism, which made it all seem so much more perfect in my head.
What I didn’t know when we first started going out was that he was a compulsive liar, that in the following two years he would make my head spin from the lies that he told me, and that at the beginning I believed, and in the middle I didn’t know which lies to believe or not, and by the end I knew that nothing he told me was the truth.
I also didn’t know that I was going to be subjected to two years of emotional and on several occasions, sexual, abuse from this man that I thought I loved. It’s funny how I always said that if a guy hurt me, that would be it. But this guy hurt me in ways that were so subtle that I didn’t even realise I was being hurt, so it’s possible to be a victim without even realising that you are a victim.
We are constantly informed by the media, parents, friends etc not to walk around at night on our own, don’t talk to strangers, don’t go off with strangers. People seem to forget about the people you know, and according to any statistic I’ve ever seen, they’re the ones we have to worry about. The sad thing is though, in my case, I doubt that my ex even realises that what he did was rape. Considering it took me 6/7 years to figure it out, I don’t think that there’s much hope that he will.
Anyway, to my story.
Sex with him always began as consensual. However on a number of occasions he initiated anal sex without asking me, without any preparation. He kept going when I said no. He kept going when I cried. He kept going when I tried to push him off. He held me down and he kept going. What started off as consensual turned in to rape.
I can remember how much it hurt, how heavy he felt on top of me, how shocked and upset I was. I can remember him comforting and apologising to me, and how I believed that he’d made a mistake and wouldn’t do it again. He did. Looking back at it now, I feel sick. I feel like screaming at that sweet, innocent, naive 20 year old that I was, I want to tell her to get out of that relationship, that he will hurt you again and again, that he is toxic.
If I could tell any person in this position what to do, I would say get out, right now. If someone does something or makes you do something that you are not comfortable with, then it is assault. Plain and simple. And you did not ask for that, nor do you deserve it.